Down In The Doldrums

It's late at night and the air is still.

Somewhere in my room, Eva Cassidy is singing "Fields Of Gold".

The rain is falling softly outside.

It's times like this when I pause and reflect...

Have I been true to myself lately? Did I miss any opportunities to show the people around me how much I appreciate them? Why does it seem like I'm losing more hair and gaining more weight lately?

And then after weighing myself and combing my hair in front of the mirror, I thank God it was just my imagination playing tricks on my worrisome mind. In fact, I honestly think I look like Vin Diesel at certain angles, under the right lighting and on a good hair day. Ok, forget I said the last bit...

In the silence of the rainy night, I find myself thinking about the world and my place in it.

As the year comes to a close, I can't help but feel a bit emo.

Somehow, I just feel that I've grown older but no wiser.

I am 21.

but I don't behave like I'm 21.

At times, I feel like I am 12, at times 52.

I worry too much and take things too lightly. What a contradiction.

I wonder what's eating me these days...I snap at people for no reason...my mood vaccillates between sudden bursts of intense anxiety and long periods of melancholic pensiveness.

I'm starting to lose my ability to make people laugh.

All day long I coop myself in my room like a battery farmed hen...funneling lakes of caffeine-laced liquids down my throat and spoiling my eyes with voluminous law books.

ugh

Ten years ago, if someone told me this was my fate at 21, I'd have laughed my head off.

Maybe I just need a break from myself.